Wanted: Tortoise

If you have seen this tortoise, please call 602-260-9870 to turn him in immediately. This tortoise is guilty of cat assault and harassment of my cat (and Dr. Evil’s cat too). Since no tortoise moves that fast, said tortoise is suspected to be on methamphetamines. Do not approach the tortoise if you spot him; he is believed to be dangerous. He may have several drug dealer or gang member tortoises following him in a protection detail. Thank you for helping us get this thug off the streets.